Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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