I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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