Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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