woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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