headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
