Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
