There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
