Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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