I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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