yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
