You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
