This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
