I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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