What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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