i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
