I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
