dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
