it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
