Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
