We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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