I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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