Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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