I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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