Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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