fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
