saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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