How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
