You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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