He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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