My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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