so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize