I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
