There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
