If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
