My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
