you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
