I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pants 0. Shit 1.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
