just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize