Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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