i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want nice things and good sex
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
