Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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