Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
