oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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