Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
