Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
