So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
