...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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