Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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