"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize