Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
