In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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