The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Never underestimate the power of titties
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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