it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
