he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
