I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
