My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
