I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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