why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
