I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
