3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
