i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
