Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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