I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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