yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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