can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
