so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
