Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
