She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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