I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
