i permit you to call me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
