I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
